How We Can Feel Misunderstood – Without Ever Explaining Who We Are

There is much sympathy available to people who complain that significant others have not listened to them properly. Especially if these happen to be their current or ex partners. ‘They rode over my needs’, ‘it was always about them,’ ‘I was never heard…’ Such descriptions elicit immediate pity. We collectively have a lot of time for the victims of highhanded deafness. 

But however stirring such cases can feel, it seems important – before fully giving way to sympathy – to raise a penetrating question: did you ever explain yourself properly to the person who is meant to have ignored you? Or, put more bluntly: did you work hard to make yourself known before surrendering to a sense of being unnoticed?

The reason we might need to probe like this comes down to a paradoxical element in our psyches; the feeling that we have not been heard may not necessarily or inevitably be preceded by any active devotion to speaking. It’s possible to long to be listened to while evading any substantial effort at explanation. It can be easier to assume that no one has wanted to listen than to acknowledge an underlying inhibition about opening our mouths.

At the heart of a failure to speak is a profound pessimism as to the likelihood of successful dialogue, typically a legacy of a childhood in an environment in which no one was especially interested in hearing of our pains or confusions. The adults would have been too drunk or violent, busy or cruel – and from their neglect, we concluded that there could be no alternative to swallowed anger, unmentioned hopes and tightly-furled resentments. 

Or we might make attempts at communication but in ways that we deep down know will fail – and thereby confirm our sombre world view. We kick off conversations at 11pm, when everyone is exhausted and perspective is hard to find. We choreograph scenarios in which we are almost certain our points will be missed. Feeling overlooked feels – in the end – too much like ‘home.’ 

We should be clearer with ourselves. Before despairing, we should wonder: Have I properly explained what I am so convinced I have been ignored for? Have I put into audible words that I want more opportunities to see my friends? Or that I want something different in bed? Or don’t appreciate being upbraided for sometimes being late? We spend so much of our lives resenting that others have not grasped what we have never – in fact – had the courage to tell them.

A large part of any good relationship must involve the exhausting yet critical task of teaching the other person about who we are, which means waiting for a propitious moment, being confident in our right to speak, deploying humour and diplomacy and refraining from insulting the partner when they fail immediately to grasp our intentions.

Those who are overlooked deserve genuine sympathy. They should not be confused with those among us who might lean on a feeling being misunderstood as a careful alternative to the challenges of speaking.