The Impulse to Sink Our Own Mood – and Return to Sadness and Worry

For some of us, happiness and excitement never seem to last for very long. Every time we finally take pride in ourselves and develop a confidence about the future, something adverse seems to happen within a relatively short order. It might be something that we find ourselves actively doing that collapses our spirits, or we start to worry acutely about a matter that suddenly enters our minds or an incident occurs from out of the blue that unsettles us. 

Maybe we read something online that seems mean-minded and worrying. Or we catch sight of ourselves in the mirror and feel repulsed. Or we suddenly think of something we said or did seven and a half years ago that may have been misinterpreted and misconstrued – and start to panic. Or by some odd impulse that we don’t really understand and so can’t resist, we do something foolish and contrary to our normal values which brings on guilt and shame. And as a result, we are ‘brought back down to earth’ fairly sharply. We end up – only hours or days after the good mood began – in a familiar place of fear, anxiety and disappointment. 

It can be as if – without quite realising it – we are operating under some sort of secret law: thou shalt never be exuberant. Thou shalt never live life too much to the full. Thou shalt never be too happy. Thou shalt not believe in yourself. Thou shalt worry a lot.

Where might such a perverse and sad edict have come from? It may be the result of growing up in an environment where our flourishing was somehow deemed unwelcome and provocative. Had we ever been too conspicuously happy, we might have upset a parent who was battling a sense of despair or resignation and was furious at the deprivations they once had to endure. And who could not count countenance that a child of theirs might be any more content than they were. 

We may have grown up to associate a low fearful mood with safety. Sadness means you don’t get attacked, it doesn’t provoke envy. It keeps you out of trouble.

Whenever happiness does seem on the cards, a part of us will hence be very keen to return us to a lower altitude as soon as possible. To achieve our ends, there may be some favourite websites we like to go to that confirm that we are unattractive, or strange or in danger. We may provoke arguments, insults or offence. We’ve got a repertoire of secret skills to wipe the smile off our faces.

Were any of this to ring bells, we should ask ourselves: what incentives against happiness and self-satisfaction might there have been in our early lives? Who might we have upset with our joy? Was there a conflict between our flourishing and someone else’s sense of well-being?

Then we need to reassure the frightened child in us that the person who demanded our sadness as a price for their protection is no longer in authority over us. We don’t have to apologise for being attractive or intelligent or gifted or within reach of stability, sanity, potency and good spirits. We are – whatever we once believed – allowed to live without continuous sadness and fear.